To the God who Fulfills

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
    for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
     till the storms of destruction pass by.
² I cry out to God Most High,
    to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
Psalm 57: 1-2

This is my prayer today as I have been in a struggle that seems to have taken most of my energy (attention, focus, determination). To be honest, I feel I am in the biggest battle of my life thus far..for hope, faith, love. Each of these are majorly important (1 Cor 13:13). I have been tried in each of these areas lately. I suppose everyone experiences this to some degree. Sometimes I win, but most of the time I lose...at least in my heart. I may "Do" the right thing, but my inner thoughts only I know. 

I am in a place now where I feel I need God the most, but am having a hard time reading His Word and getting in His Presence. How odd is that. I know the solution to my every problem was stated in the previous sentence, but I cannot make myself want Him or do what I need to. 

There is a disconnect between my heart and mind. One that knows God sees me and is with me, and the other that feels forgotten..mainly because of my circumstances. Circumstances that I never planned for my life. Expectations not being met in my time. I know the plan God has is bigger than where I am now, but not seeing past today - and honestly not knowing if I will fulfill.

I am a prisoner of routine. Bound by the mundane. Work, eat, sleep, work. My eyes are dim. I am pressed hard to see the light at the end of this season. Why is my soul tied to my circumstances? Is purpose on board in my life? I am on a boat surrounded by fog and I can't see if I am moving forward or anchored. I am laying down in the boat, trying to see, but wanting to sleep all the time.

I have questions. And I don't want to ask them because that would make me admit I really feel this way. Am I of no consequence to you Lord? Do I have anything of value to give? I know I do. But why am I stuck working a secular job? Why this job? Can you see me fading away here everyday as I sit? There is more than this. I know it. What is your purpose for my life? Am I supposed to be happy where I am? Does my voice matter? Do I matter?

It seems like I have answered these questions before in my life. I've already 'gotten through' these things. But now, why do I have the same questions? And, how can I come through this? I am so far away from you in my heart.

On the outside I look fine. Still standing and serving. At times, I feel my worries lift and I am free to be myself. But in my everyday life, I feel alone and find anger and heartache as my companions. 

No one can help me but you God. I feel like I can't even stand anymore. Have mercy on me O God and rescue me. I cry out with all the strength in my heart, to the God who fulfills His purpose for me. I would like to be in Your Presence again. And just stay there. What a wonderful thing to be in the very Presence of God. I've been there. I've felt it. All burdens lifted. All fear gone. Loved greatly. Purpose on board. 

But I don't want to go on like this. Only You can navigate the deep waters of my heart. Please bring peace to my storm. Without you I am nothing. This is a 'Me and You' thing. No one else can fix me. I know you see me, even now. What am I to do? Help me to find purpose in this short life of mine. My days are numbered. Bring me into truth. Guide me into the light. You are My God.

Speak to my heart. What is going on? I am sea sick. Have I done wrong in your eyes? Did I make a mistake that side-railed me from what you have for me and now here I am left to die? I know you wouldn't leave me to die, but why do I feel this way? I need to be close now, more than ever. I can't fulfill the purpose You have for me. Only You can. Please help me.

Lead me into green pastures again. By the still water. To commune with you. I know of no other answer than You. Rescue me. Bring me out of this. Not my will but Yours be done O God who fulfills.